Short letter. Sweet letter. I had sent him a bundle of letters, as was my wont, I believe, as I would write them and then not get around to sending them. He says, "Your one letter has an effect on me equal to one of your smiles. Imagine, then, your 3 letters' effect - nearly a laugh."

If any wonder why I keep these letters, they are the only love letters I have ever received. From someone who really loved me. I have received other letters, of course, many full of affection, but they were not true love letters. These are my love letters, and I am lucky to have them. When I am feeling sorry for myself, I should remember: I am one of the lucky ones who once received true love letters.

Fiancee' as teacher. Some of us will find this concept familiar. Just because this one is more intelligent than most, does not mitigate the fact that he is attempting to lead me. I should have followed a little more closely, true...should not have rebelled against his ideas as if he were my father. It's not like it's bad advice - and not at all the advice my father would have given me.

"Go to the library often and read the papers there. Read your periodicals regularly. [will they work as well as fiber?] Does the library subscribe to The Nation and The New Republic? If so, get acquainted with them. Also, and still better, check out the NY Times. You'll find some mellow reading there. Try it. Make time."

Here, he gives me an "A", so to speak:

"Your letter on your religious views has been received and you will be receiving my retort soon. What I got to say is still in the press, so to speak. I must say, thought, that yours was a real piece of literature - very good."

Wish to hell I had that letter now. Have no idea what I was talking about. This letter of his would have pleased me. It would also, I think, have sown seeds of rebellion.

I guess I wrote him an apology for something. He answers:

"I got your letter in which you apologized for your supposed implication of wrong doing. Really, dear, [yes, lovers still called each other 'dear' in the good old days]I have not, nor will I ever imply - with a reproving type intent - wrong doing on your part."..... So far, so good. ".....It is not my position, I feel, to make judgements upon you. Now, you might ask for advise [sic] or critisizm [sic] [his degree was in business admin] and I'll try to satisfy you. This I have found to most successful if you are told only what you want to hear. I may be wrong in this thought..."

The syntax in that last thought seems a trifle muddled, but I believe he means to be honest with me. When I ask for it. This may be...a mistake...I see the seeds of arguments and misunderstandings ahead. "Do you like this dress?" "Well, to be honest..." You get the picture. Very mature, though.

Partial letter from Larry, mailed October 10, 1962. "Beware of the Anne's. [my former roommate]. They are good for your ego, and hide their real attitudes and reactions to you because they expect the same from you. Now the meek or odd person might do the same thing, so you must be careful. To fight against this, I sometimes start arguements for the simple reason of trying to induce criticism and healthy debates....I am only trying to study reactions to my beliefs and thereby alter or improve them til I am satisfied."

I had a conversation with my recent ex-boyfriend's sister this past weekend. He is once again in a temporary treatment center for 4 days. He had been sleeping on my couch, but he is not welcome here again. His sister is an attorney in New York and teaches law at Vassar. Her husband is in business of some kind. We talked about men who stopped maturing at about age 15, although she believes her husband may have made it to 17. The Michael she knew (her brother) growing up is the same Michael we all know today. A 51-year-old teenager. I know lots of men like that. And so does she. Even with our quite radically different social sets.

Was 1962/63 the last year of the maturing male? Did Viet Nam send us all reeling into endless childhood? I do know some men who managed to make it off a bar stool and into a life. But not many. And the ones who never made it onto a bar stool are not necessarily men I would want to know. Larry sat on a bar stool from time to time. But he would sit there and think.