A Thanksgiving letter from a man who loves his family. I cannot recall any other one of my husbands/boyfriends/liasons with just this same sort of unabashed, unsentimental love. Most of them were either embarrassed, unconcerned, or antipathetic. He is serving dinner in the Army, while remembering the children coming to see Santa Claus at the family store. I wonder if they still come, in these days of suspicion. I wonder if childhood magic is still alive and well somewhere. I wonder if it's still someone's daddy hiding behind the beard and the glasses. I wonder if he still sees that magic.

More clues as to the weekend in Kentucky. Apparently, I got really drunk. He writes on stationary headed up by a woeful little figure somewhat under the weather and a caption reading "Who mixed the martinis?" He adds a cartoon balloon, "hic."

This is the man who introduced me to martinis (my parents didn't drink at all) and sour cream on baked potatoes (never had it before). I gave up martinis a few short years later, after accepting a date with some sleaze who came into my work regularly and boasted about his mob connections (yeah, I was dumb enough to be curious). He took me to some Chinese place downtown, where we ordered barbecued pork and martinis. It was a tragic combination. He had a red convertible, and I managed to throw up over the side on the corner of State Street and - damn it, forgot the name of the cross street - somebody from Chicago remind me - anyway, it's the corner where, if you stand there long enough, everybody you've ever known will pass by. That's the State Street myth. And I threw up over the side of his red convertible. Next to a bus. Never saw him again. Didn't want to anyway. But I still like sour cream on baked potatos.

I probably got too drunk in Kentucky, too, trying to be cool, trying to keep up. He says I told him he was my "ideal...the type of guy you'd always dreamed of knowing." He's not comfortable with this. He demurs. He was right. He's still right. :)

Apparently I was in an emotional overwrought state sometime in 1962-63, and wrote him all about it. He writes me that he wonders why I didn't bring it up, when we were together in Kentucky. Not a clue as to what the actual matter was. Poor guy. If he only knew what he missed out on when I dumped him. I keep saying "dumped him" as if he deserved it, and that is not what I mean at all. What I do mean, is that my behavior was that of someone dumping someone - not of someone coming to a rational decision and acting on it. I don't know what I was crying about this time, but he missed the time I ran out into the alley of the apartment I shared with my first husband, barefoot in the snow, and wandered up and down, terrified that someone would see me, but utterly unable to go back into the house, and wishing I were dead. Very emotional. Very overwrought. Very much out there. I put my first (and second) husbands through utter hell, trying to deal with leftover bullshit from my family (and they were not that bad a family, actually). It took me years to stop. To find out who I was and be all right with that. I didn't do that until 1979. At the ripe old age of 36. At a Dead show. That's when I finally turned the corner, and started being all right with myself and the world. Until then - utter chaos. How like me, at that time, not to talk about it in Kentucky. How like me to wait and write about it. Something like what I'm doing now, I suppose.

Well, had to Google away to look up "The Manchurian Candidate." Have not seen it, probably since it first came out. I should revisit sometime.

This is a review I found from someone in Australia: "I've watched 'The Manchurian Candidate' several times over the years and it never ceases to impress me. I just bought it on DVD, recently released here in Region 4 (no Frankenheimer commentary though - shame on you!), so of course I watched it again. For me it gets better and better with each viewing and more and more pertinent. Now I know some people glibly dismiss it because of the dated Cold War theme, but they miss the fundamental point that it doesn't matter whether it's the extreme Left or the extreme Right we're dealing with, the methods displayed in this movie are still timely, especially the use of the media to emotionally manipulate the public. 'The Manchurian Candidate' is still the best political thriller ever made in my opinion, but it's more than just that. It's a very complex movie yet incredibly easy to watch. Everything about it is very cool - the direction, editing, dialogue. And the cast are all first rate. Laurence Harvey is the perfect choice for Raymond Shaw, cold, unlikeable but still somehow sympathetic. I'm no fan of Sinatra as a singer, but he's an underrated actor. This is his best performance along with 'The Man With The Golden Arm'. Angela Lansbury is chilling and very believable as Shaw's ruthlessly ambitious mother. Janet Leigh's role is a bit slight, but I always enjoy watching her. 'Touch Of Evil', 'Psycho' and this, what a run of brilliant movies she had! I also got a kick out of seeing cult favourites Henry Silva ('Thirst', 'Chained Heat') playing a Korean(!), and the late Whit Bissell ('Invasion Of The Body Snatchers', 'Soylent Green') in supporting roles. I would really love to hear Frankenheimer's commentary on this, as it really is a fascinating movie. Frankenheimer had a long and uneven career, but in 'The Manchurian Candidate' and 'Seconds' he gave us two of the most extraordinary movies to ever come out of Hollywood. Both are masterpieces in my opinion, and neither gets the attention they deserve."

My fiancee', however, was not at all impressed with Frank, and spends most of his letter to me discussing Hollywood and sensationalism, which he finds unnecessary and disgusting. He recommends that I see "Billy Budd" - also just released (and very good it was, I might add, remembering this one just the faintest little bit). I won't go into what he says about the sensationalilsm in this movie - this was, after all, 40 years ago, and I might presume, he ain't seen nuthin' yet. He is totally against censorship of any kind, and does want to see truth displayed, but truth more along the lines of Bergman's presentations than Hollywood's, which almost no one could fault him for. I wonder if he's see TMC lately, and what he thinks of it now. I do like his concern for young viewers who "have not yet experienced personally even closely related activities (referring, I believe, to sexual realism particularly) and so must take as reference what they are shown..." "breeding a distaste in the minds of the uninitiated, and the result could be a growing contempt and fear for those things which are basically profound and beautiful."