Oh where oh where did my other self go?

I have come up with a plan for us to meet at Thanksgiving. He writes (after assuring me that even if this one doesn't work, we will meet at T-day somehow somewhere):

"It's too bad that your plan could not be worked out for another reason that for the first time, (or maybe the second), you have thought ahead and at least attempted to 'watch your step' so to speak. I remember so many times we would do something which you had in no way thought your plan of action or consequences. Your complete disregard of preparation and careful checking never failed to unnerve me...it is something unique in the history of my activities in related situations. I never used to be this way until you."

I foresee trouble in the future. Here, it is trouble averted, or diverted is a better waytro put it. If he ever reads this, he would be gratified to know that I struck my first husband much the same way, and kept acting out and rebelling against I don't know what and getting frustrated being with men who, once we were together, ceased to want to do anything or have fun. My second husband said something very similar. Something like, there was something about me that made him want to hold me back. I don't remember wanting to do anything that was that extravagant or unacceptable. I do remember very many things I wanted to do involving picnics or plays or movies or something - I was often told "no."

When I hit bottom a few years ago, I swam back up via the "control freak" route. I had to tell myself no. But I do take myself to the movies now and then.

"...are you digging the 'Bosa Nova', the new jazz beat sensation. It's written up in Time and is very topical...

"Did I tell you to read Mark Twain's 'Letters from the Earth'?...Very bold, it seems."

I wonder if he blamed my abscontion (I just made that word up) on the Bosa Nova.

I must be acting up some, and getting some flack for it at school - damn! I wish he'd sent my letters back, so I would have some clue as to what the hell I was doing. Something extraordinarily selfish, I presume. But I'm not making eyes at anyone else as yet - that doesn't happen until the next semester - but enough of that for right now. There is still a year as yet to go before I really screw things up. Well, actually 6 months, but a year before I fly the coop.

"As for [what other people say] and what I think of their hypocritical views concerning your actions: let them be damned! But do not think you cannot be hurt by them. No one is that strong. I'm not saying that you would have any trouble, but...please conform somewhat. Watch your step and...then fug' em. Laugh at them, but don't judge them too harshly; they mean well. Be good, and don't be too eager, 'cause dammit, you scare me sometimes with your recklessness and seemingly lack of foresight."

Well, kid, I split before you could see exactly how reckless and stupid I could be. I know, you didn't call me stupid. I did.

Signs of early feminism: "I want you to understand that when I make certain demands upon you from time to time that I do not and cannot expect you follow them unquestioningly. Our relationship is not based upon such an arrangement and I feel it will not succeed if we were to be demanding and dominating in our interrelations."

I did, however, have a way to go before I could regard simple suggestions as anything other than an attempt at domination. I fought the silliest things for far too long a time. I can't even remember what they were, but I know I was always fighting against something for too many years to remember.

A discussion of ethics, in which he makes perfectly clear that he is indeed a believing Christian. Not one of those things that stood out like a sore thumb, but evident in his behavior. He was/is a good man. I'm still in my "ayn rand" phase, and no doubt sound like the young idiot that I was, but in my defense, I will say that I am still finding my way.

Apparently, I "refuse to assume the role of the humble creation of a sympathetic god." I go on to argue for pride. He quotes a sermon given by "my" pastor one Sunday. You must understand, Carthage College was a Lutheran college, his parents and mine were church pillars, this is still the early 60's, and we DID go to church on regular basis. Apparently, "my" pastor referred to pride as a "foolish chaaracteristic."

Nonetheless, I'm certain the following paragraph is very much a part of the reason I finally left him.

"Respect for our Masters you say. Love is a result of this if this respect is for THE Master, since His love in return completes the catalyst which results in a continuing and everlasting love. In this, rather than as proud man, can a person be at one with his creator."

My response to this, apparently, was that I was "losing sight of truth...lacking an ultimate theory of belief."

I still am.

September Morn, 1962: "A Day on the Rifle Range"
"Pretty impressed with the hills of Kentucky, especially early in the morning when they are blanketed with low clouds. Out behind the range they are thought to be especially interesting and beautiful, but when the fog lifts, there stands revealed the devastating effects of man's civilization upon nature's normally beauriful terrain. Directly behind the target area which lies on the top of one hill one can see the effect that the constant showering of rounds of 31 cal. MI firing has made upon the side of the hill which catches the slugs after they pass through the target, over the valley,and on and on. The whole side of this distant hill is completely barren like a field after a horde of locusts or a plow has pitted it."
His friend Peter, he says, "missed the whole target round after round. He just wasn't interested in trying after I told him the better shots or marksmen would have to shoot more often than the rest of the men. Peter was definitely not interest in this type of achievement."
His final advice to me on this day? "Hold on, study hard, and smoke more often."